Divorce and the South Asian community.

Feeling ashamed about your divorce is common across cultures and social classes. As a south Asian woman, I have seen how this detrimental mindset negatively affects south Asian families! This shaming attitude keeps people stuck in terrible marriages. I have had conversations with women who are being emotionally abused by their in-laws. I have spoken to men who don’t want to disappoint their parents, and couples who are fine living in disfunction because that is how they grew up. This attitude keeps you stuck in harmful abuse cycles which your children then mimic in their relationships.

“What will people say?”

“How will my parents react?”

“We spent so much on the wedding! People will talk!”

“How can I move back into my parents’ house?”

“What about the kids?”

I’m here to tell you a secret about shame and divorce. Whatever anyone says about you or your family is just that -- words and opinions. Opinions that have no real physical effect on you. Opinions that are meant to keep you complacent and miserable. Opinions that don’t materially affect you in the real world. Yes, the shame and ostracization is real and losing your support system can be damaging, however the loss of these superficial connections will make way for your new life! Don’t let your fear or gossiping relatives convince you otherwise!

Admitting that you married the wrong person is hard and having to now tell your parents, relatives and friends will likely feel excruciating, however the benefits far exceed the trivial opinions of others. You will feel relief from starting the process. If you have children, you will start to see them thrive in ways you couldn’t have imagined before! If you have ever experienced your parents’ arguments or were ever dragged into them, then you know how bad and anxious you felt in those moments. You don’t need to put your child or future children through that!

If you’re worried about the shame it may bring your parents (and your parents may vocalize this), know that they are human too and should not continue to perpetuate these backward ideas. This may mean being truthful with them about the reality of your marriage. It may lead to some uncomfortable conversations, but at the end of the day the parents who truly love you will not allow their fears to stop you. And if the cold reality is that they don’t support you, then you will find a way to be a cycle breaker on your own.

How do I start the process of starting over?

Navigating divorce is not an easy task. Firstly, you will want to do some research on your own and get some legal advice about your situation. You can reach out to a family law mediator (like myself) for a free consultation to learn about your obligations and options.

After this initial consultation we will discuss your options and I will contact with your separated spouse to start the process with them. Remember as the mediator I am a neutral 3rd party who facilitates the process. This means I meet with both parties equally and do not share any information with the other party (unless you ask me to or if it is pertinent to mediation and must be shared).

Eventually we move on to joint-mediation where the two of you negotiate the terms of your separation agreement. I am there to keep the conversation on track, share legal information/resources and can generate options if asked. Once the terms of your separation agreement have been decided, I then draft a document that can be turned into a separation agreement by a lawyer and then you can apply for your divorce decree in Ontario.

The first step is not an easy one to take, but with the right professional help you will be able to take your life back and live it according to your expectations!

Curious to learn more about family mediation and divorce? Call me today to book your FREE consultation at 647-482-4987 or email me at info@erfmediation.ca.